jumping in

It takes me a long time to make a big decision.

I am not rash, I don’t leap without looking; in fact, I deliberated over what car to buy for a year before I finally took the plunge.  I say this with a mix of pride and shame. On the one hand, I honor the side of myself that thinks things through, that weighs the pros and cons.  On the other, I have always envied those lucky folks who can just choose, on the spot, without guilt or shame or remorse.

Don’t get me wrong, I take risks. I just take them with a whole lot of analyzing beforehand:

How will this feel?  What will it be like?  What are the consequences?  Who might I disappoint? Why?  How?  When? What if I fail?

There always comes a time in my thought process when I realize that these questions are really not about me; they are all about others; that looming fear that somehow my decisions will not be good enough, wise enough, practical enough, cool enough, smart enough, well executed enough in the eyes of someone else.

Judgement is uncomfortable, so I tend to try to avoid it.  The truth is, I can’t. No one can. Someone will always have something to say, good or bad or otherwise.

When I let that go and decide that the feedback from others only carries whatever weight I choose to give it, when I finally pull the trigger and make a decision, I feel an amazing weight lifted from my shoulders.  All of the questions I’d been carrying around become answers, all of the doubts I’d been holding become possibilities.

The decision to share thoughts on a blog is a weird one.  All of those scary questions come up for me: who cares what I have to say? What if I embarrass myself? What if no one reads it? What if? What if? What if?

My innerjudge pulls out the gavel with both hands and warns me to keep my thoughts to myself!

My innerwisdom has a louder voice today, it’s asking me, Why not?

And as my innerwisdom tends to be my greatest guide,  I am jumping in.

I am choosing courage over comfort.

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21 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Rayne
    Nov 10, 2011 @ 02:23:24

    This is one of the infinite reasons why I love you.

    Reply

  2. Lynne Reznick
    Nov 11, 2011 @ 16:15:05

    First, thank you for the chat today and much like the advice you gave me – I am happy to see you are following your own words of wisdom to me – and are jumping in and making a decision for what is good for YOU! Powerful stuff here woman and I love it!

    Reply

  3. Michelle Doucette Rawcliffe
    Nov 11, 2011 @ 16:53:40

    🙂

    Reply

  4. Michael McGlamery
    Nov 11, 2011 @ 16:57:09

    You go girl! Keep listening to that “inner-wisdom”. I am extremely proud of you.

    Reply

  5. Becky Earl
    Nov 11, 2011 @ 17:01:17

    Big, brave step! Applause! Delight! Pride! Encore!

    Reply

  6. Muneer Panjwani
    Nov 11, 2011 @ 17:06:32

    Such an awesome beginning! You continue to inspire me. Thanks for sharing you with the wider world now. I will have to compete even more for your time! 😛 Lots of love!

    Reply

  7. Ego Etz
    Nov 11, 2011 @ 19:10:26

    You’ve hit exactly on a thought I’ve been kicking around lately – when you find yourself vibrating in place between two courses of action, the best thing to do is to make a choice and act. Even if it turns out to be the wrong choice, at least now you know. The question is gone, and now you have an answer.

    I love that you’ve started a blog! You have a beautiful mind, and I can’t wait to hear more from it. 🙂

    Reply

  8. kate
    Nov 11, 2011 @ 19:28:38

    i love you

    Reply

  9. bethany
    Nov 12, 2011 @ 01:04:58

    As someone who has been both car and pants shopping with your quirky self, you know I love hearing what you have to say. Bring it on, little Sheba!

    Reply

  10. Molly
    Nov 12, 2011 @ 22:59:47

    Susannah,
    I love you and look forward to reading your blog!! At almost 60 (wow) I have to admit that you have expressed alot of similar feelings that I have had and don’t think I express….”what if I fail, what if I disappoint someone……” because those feelings might reveal failure or might disappoint someone!! You go girl for expressing thse feelings now! It is healthy and wonderful.

    Much love,
    Aunt Molly XXX

    Reply

  11. Tricia
    Nov 13, 2011 @ 22:44:26

    Go you!! Great! Keep posting

    Reply

  12. Katie Thibault
    Nov 14, 2011 @ 14:21:25

    Hooray Susannah…I can’t wait to read more. xoxo

    Reply

  13. Eileen Broderick
    Nov 23, 2011 @ 23:49:09

    Hey! Carla sent me. We’ve met and I think you are adorable. =)

    (I was Kerry’s wedding photographer. Have you seen you since at Carla’s.)

    I LOVED this post. And we are quite alike in the whole “two-voices-in-our-heads” department. The over-analyzing and being thoughtful and prepared and the inner wish to live with abandon. I hear ya. I can’t wait to read more!

    Reply

    • mcglam
      Nov 24, 2011 @ 00:14:58

      Eileen! Great to hear from you and thanks for connecting; I hope you’ll come back and hope to see you again at a Carla event. xoxo

      Reply

  14. HeathaFeathaMurphy
    Nov 24, 2011 @ 00:17:35

    You made me wonder and laugh, realize and relate. You made me nod my head. You made so much in so few words. You made me love you even more and I didn’t think that was possible. Great thing to read as the clock strikes twelve making it Thanksgiving. …Thank you!

    Reply

  15. Andi Walpurgis
    Nov 24, 2011 @ 01:51:12

    I’M HOOKED!!!!!!!

    Reply

  16. "D'Ital"
    Dec 06, 2011 @ 10:00:55

    I read it! Several others read it too! Great job “McGlam”…

    Reply

  17. Kelly B.
    Dec 10, 2011 @ 17:25:21

    Yay! I’m so glad that you’re blogging! Now I can be inspired by your wisdom from across the country. I miss you and reading this makes me miss you more, but I’m so grateful to have this digital connection to your mind….

    Reply

    • mcglam
      Dec 12, 2011 @ 23:21:46

      Kelly!! I think of you often and pretend that you’re in Holyoke. Just knowing you’re out there makes living more fun. Miss you, friend.

      Reply

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